Wednesday, August 30, 2006

10 reasons to suspect your cat has your email password.

"Will you give this to Ferdinand when you see him?"
"He's not here."
"What? "
"Ferd isn't here."
"I KNOW, thats why i'm asking you to give it to him."
"Oh, right, fine, yes, ok.
"What is it?"
"I found something on the web. Well, I didn't find it Susan (Female human of the household) found it and I read it when I was keeping her lap warm and she was googling but I saved it by slapping the mouse just at the right time, 'cos I know Ferdinand would think it was cool."

Why You Should Suspect Your Cat Has Your Email Password: Kitten Bar.

  1. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
  2. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
  3. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like clear iconalt.recreational.catnip.
  4. Your web browser has a new home page .
  5. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
  6. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of clear icon"CyberDog."
  7. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
  8. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and clear icon WarCat II.
  9. On IRC, you are known as the Iron Mouser.
  10. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

"That's good that Lil."
"That is good! Do you know who wrote it?"
"Ferdi will like it."
"Will you tell Ferdinand that I gave it to him?"
"Ferd is not ... Oh never mind."
"Yes LIL, I will."
"Thank you," she said, and she clambered to the top of the sofa closed her eyes and a minute or two later began to snore.

Well, I like it but I don't know the author. So? Mmmm, what to do? Publish and be damned? What would Ferdinand do? Mmm, I don't know! I'll publish it and say Lil did it, that should fix it, easy no problems. Lil, the big splodgey deaf cat, hereby assumes all responsibility for the content of this blog, ( except the good bits which are mine, all mine.) Dolly the law abiding and beautiful tabby - the most beautiful tabby.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Ferdinand ginger cat and Schrodinger's wanted cat poster

Staring out into the night and howling Lil woke the whole household in the early hours. The other side of the patio doors was a rangy adolescent tabby tomcat staring in. I came to her aide, ok side, and for my pains received a right hook across my face. And no that tabby is not coming in (A kitten trying to fill a tomcat's paws!) Besides, I am the only tabby in the village...!

Ferdinand's box is still empty. I jumped into it today. His blue wool blanket is just how he left it. It smells of Ferdinand. Under the fold near where his head would have lain, an old bacon rind, crisp and dry, a little snack put by for later a habit hard to break I suppose when you know hunger. This box is an old box he has had it for months on the outside hangs his photo taken with Richard Madeley in a silver frame. A tuft of ginger fur clings to the blanket.

This is a wanted poster. Ok, it's a poster of Schrodinger's cat but the model is Ferdinand -profile and full face- it's black and white but just a imagine a ginger blob and that is Ferdinand ginger tomcat, missing, not wanted, but as no one else wants you you may as well get back in your box. There that should sort it. Making me worry he could email! Great ginger twit.

Should I offer a reward? Ferdinand's not worth anything; a bacon rind half chewed is hardly going to bring a rush of informers but there is his silver frame with his Richard Madeley photo -but if/when Ferdinand ginger cat returns (I'll box his ears) he'll really miss it, it's the only thing he's got 'cos he doesn't even really live here, just lodges.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

A.W.O.L Missing: Ferdinand ginger cat.

Ferdinand's box is empty. He has not been seen since August 11th So I, Dolly (the beautiful) will continue this blog.

I don't know where Ferdinand ginger cat is, and he didn't tell us he was going A.W.O.L. Not that I miss him! (I have just become accustomed to having him around) A bit like a hoover, the quiet only noticeable when the vacuuming stops.

I do hope he has not been squished. But I think I would sense if he were in the big cathouse in the sky (I'm very sensitive, one could say a sensitive).

Reasons for his absence:

a. He's searching for a new box (but then again he'd just go to Knees, which would only take a couple of hours.)

b. He's gotten into a scrape raiding Tesco's carrier bag recycling depot.

c. He's chasing after Electra. But then he would have certainly told us -he does like to boast about his sexual conquests in fact Ferdinand boasts about everything, he has an ego the size of a house. So on that note...

d. He has gone because Richard Madeley has not fulfilled his promise to have the ginger fur ball on his show, and he is in a major sulk. Or he's gone to London to gate crash the programme.

e. Most likely though; Susan -female human of the house hold- was writing about Cat Lettuce. She wrote that Cat Lettuce was the most handsome ginger cat, well actually she wrote Cat lettuce was the most ginger cat because Ferdinand caused a major distraction just as she was about to write the word handsome and when she resumed didn't pick up where she left off and omitted that particular word. Therefore, Ferdinand ginger cat is just plain and simply jealous.

However, if he is squished under black rubber wheels and I am writing he is jealous then I would feel rotten, wouldn't I? Well no because I have to be objective as a journalist. So, even though it may hurt my sensibilities I Think Ferdinand ginger cat is both egotistical and arrogant.

Signed Dolly (the most beautiful tabby cat in England, Europe, the world, possibly the universe.)

I, as an investigative journalist pose the question: where is Ferdinand?

Perhaps I should rename this paper Dolly's Journal, The Dolly Daily. The Tabby Tabloid -no far too down market, The Tabby Times, mmm not bad that. Um on this important note I shall log off which will allow me time to ponder this most critical subject. The Daily Dolly, The Vogue Mews.. The Dolly...!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Fungal boots and yeast infections.

Martin (male human of the household) says as he enters the house "that Lil smells!" It was a hot humid day and the house and been closed up all day. Ignoring his work boots fungal and festering in the hallway; pungent emanations wafting to Lil as she slept with paw over nose and imaginatively dreaming of fragrant warm grass meadows and catching rolands - the supreme huntress.

Yet he without sin... those in glass houses...or put your own house in order etc etc, or failing that buy several litres of canestan and shove it over squat fly the squalid.

Ferdinand the fair!

Friday, August 04, 2006

The Tesco carrier bag recycling plot.

Tesco is introducing a policy to reuse plastic carrier bags. Tesco will give a point for every carrier bag reused, it doesnt even have to be a Tesco bag. I'm going hunting and gathering bags. I'm very experienced in the skill of rummaging in bins and skips. With my earned clubcard points I will have salmon steaks and tuna steaks; turkey thighs and chicken breasts; some cream, evaporated milk for Lil, prawns for Dolly; delivered to my door, ordered via the internet. MMMMMMM Dustbins here I come.

Ferdinand: the green recycler.

"There is a flaw in your fraudulent daydreams, Ferdinand."
"And what is that oh striped one?"
"You did not read the small print."
"I did actually..."
"Not that I don't appreciate your thought of prawn gifts..."
"...but I don't know anybody who isn't seduced by my ginger charms - for I Ferdinand, am the most handsome Ginger cat - one meow from me and the checkout operators will be throwing bags at me! I could become a millionaire, a fat cat, the carrier bag king recyc..."
"Ferdinand you really ought to get out and meet more people...!"


Tesco will award Clubcard points to people who recycle old carriers or pack up their shopping in other bags.
Points will be awarded to shoppers who re-use old plastic bags - even those from rival chains - or bring other bags into store.

Checkout staff will use their discretion in deciding how many Clubcard points to give out.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Installing new software. Ferdinand computer buff.

I decided to install some new software. Accepted all the bits and bobs (on pain of death etc) and then a drop down box opened: English or international English?
Well hello!
English is English.
I know; I'm English.
Anything other than English English is international English. So if you spell tyre as tire that's international; colour as color: international; programme as program: then you are using international English.
It ain't English English.
So there...!

I think English should have been patented, and a license granted for internationals who want to use it and every English English speaker could and should have been issued shares in English English PLC.

So when you place the verb at the end of the sentence you ain't no English English speaker being. This transpostion of the verb has something to do with English English humans driving on the left side of the road -every English English human is a right brainer. Or; it's just so English English speakers can laugh at internationals who crash on our roads and we can say; "look at that bloody foreign driver!" Hence, the invention of the roundabout cunningly designed to confuse all but the right brainers.

I digress, back to English English.

English has just celebrated its millionth word. Which is a huge crossword and a great way of idling away the time. The French have 100,000 words, which means they are not so idle and have more time to drink wine and barricade roads.

Examples of the beauty of the Anglo Saxon English English.


It's the heat. 'Normal' Ferdi will be resumed when the heat wave waivers. Signed Dolly: by way of excusing Ferdinand's cantankerous outpourings.

"Since when did you learn to type?"
"Since you plonked your backside on my table."
"Keep your paws off my keyboard!"
"Keep your bottom off my table."