Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Ferdinand: talking balls

Females eh, they're a whole different sex!

I was trying to concentrate. But the racket these three females managed to make broke even my concentration...!

"Oh blimey. Yes, oh striped one."
"What's all this screwed up paper all over the floor?"

None of my plans for the lucky rabbit's foot seemed good enough. All were good of course just not up to my normal standard of excellence. I hadn't realized how busy I had been, my brain a fever of ideas all noted on paper and then screwed up.

"What's this? Oh groan. Doodles and diagrams, plans and plottings, ooh and look a map stained with bacon fat."
"Paper balls."

"Food glorious food..."
Big Lil is hungry.

"I have an idea how to separate Roland from a foot."
"Oh yeah!"
"He can hop about just as easily on three legs as four."
"Mind you the amount of time he spends incarcerated not sure he needs any legs at all."

"I'm anxious to try it."
"What is it?"
"Big Lil, of course."
"I know that."
"Why'd you ask then?"

"Three banquets a day..."

"Your idea..."
"You hungry Lil?” Susan -female human of the household- asked
"Susan's coming...!"
"Our favourite diet!"
"...Quick shove all this paper under the bench."
"What idea?"
"Give me a hand don't just sit there."
"Just picture a great big steak."
"What on earth..." Susan shouted and she never shouts at us!
"Help me Ferd." Dolly is shouting now.
"What's all this paper everywhere?" Susan again.
"Fried, roasted or stewed."
"Ferd will you lend a hand it's your mess. Susan will be here soon."
"She's here now."
"Stop talking out the side of your mouth." Dolly shouted.
"Dolly! What are you doing?” Susan asked.

"Oh, food," Lilly
"Dolly". Susan.
"Wonderful food," Lilly again.
"Ferdinand come on help me..." Dolly.
"Marvellous food," Lil.
"Ferdinand you lazy blighter!" Dolly.
"Glorious." Lil
"Dolly, will you stop shredding all this paper." Susan.
"But I..." Dolly.
"Don’t raise your paw to Ferdi!" Susan.
"Food." Lil.

"Come on Dolly out of here! Ferdinand you are such a gent. No trouble at all..." Susan said observantly.
"...Not like the other two!"

Peace, peace at last! Now where was I? No that’s no good, or that...

Ferdinand: talking balls -an ironic statement if ever there was one.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Ferdinand: in need of male liberation.

"I know why you’re not writing anything political anymore Ferdinand!"
" Mmmm."
"You listening to me?"
"Raymond psycho rabbit is in the garden!"

"I said I know why you're not writing anything political anymore Ferdinand! It's 'cos you're writing on the BBC forum!"
"I am writing to the forum yes."
"And it's illegal."
"You're not allowed to pretend to be someone else."
"I gave them my full name, Ferdinand Felidae."
"You didn't tell them you were a cat; and a ginger cat to boot."
"I ticked all the boxes! There wasn't one marked tick here if you are a ginger cat."
"'spect it's all your bonkers political ideas no sensible being could agree with."

"I'm a liberal!"
"A libertine!"
"And a libertarian."
"A librarian."

"Nothing just add libbing!"

Ferdinand: in need of male liberation.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Ferdinand, keeping grounded

Big Lil was sitting in a puddle of water, in the rain. A well placed paw kept the cat flap from opening. Lil dripped.

Susan banged on the window but Lil -deaf- sat on. "Dolly!" Susan shouted as the reason for Lil's sodden plight was revealed but Dolly the stroppey stripy strumpet wouldn't shift even when prodded with a green pompomed slipper.

So Susan came through my conservatory forcing the door -sticking resolutely to my New Years resolution of keeping the door locked- with the very same slipper that couldn't move Dolly.

"Oh Ferdi you been locked in? Lil locked out and you in!" And she waved her arms up and down so big Lil would notice.
"At least you won't get locked in again Ferd that old bolt is broken now."

Which means...
"Go away."
"I wish you'd stop mumbling."
"How can I be of help oh striped one?"
"What you doing?"
"Wow Ferd we're flying."
"...And this Doll Is where I was born and that yellow pin is Gert's house. There's the sea and the lime trees..."
"Where's the rest of the sea?"
"I'll just pull out."
"Not so fast Ferd it's making me feel a bit giddy."
"Then zoom back in."
"Slower Ferd, I'm beginning to feel seasick- airsick."
"Or we can zoom right up like an astronaut."
"Go round and round and round."
"Ferd I'm really getting queasy."
"And you can go faster in and out, and out and in, and round and about."
"Groan, eucckkkkkkk wrrruck..."
"Err Doll! Well at least you missed the keyboard!"

ferdinand on google

Ferdinand: famous astronaut and international pilot –keeping grounded by cleaning up after airsick passengers!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Ferdinand: the battle of the sexes

"What you doing?"
"Wasn't that door locked?"
"Yep, came in through the window."
"Must remember to close window."
"You're mumbling!"
"No I'm not!"
"What you doing?"
"I am pondering and planning?"
"Impossible for a boy to do two things at once, that's why they're trainspotters."
"Trainspotters! I'm not going to ask what you're talking about because I'm busy and I don’t want to hear the answer."
"That's ok!"

"What d'ya mean trainspotters?"
"And psychopaths and stamp collectors."
"A psychopathic trainspotting stamp collector?"
"Could only be male!"

"Anyway I am planning, plotting my course and pondering the pursuit of a lucky rabbits foot."
"There is a flaw in your plan."
"And what is that oh striped one."
"They are all attached to his body."

"That's where the planning and thought comes in."
"Don't tell me you are going to request Raymond -rabid psycho rabbit- donate a foot to the FERDI good luck quest."

"It's because you're a girl you can't see the bigger picture!"

"Because males focus is singular, to the exclusion of all other information at a given time..."
"You've been on weblopedia again."
"May have."

"And 'cos your mind is on rabbit hunting you can't concentrate on anything else... Like the fact your backside is resting on a cactus!"

"Dolly would you help me get these thorns out of my bum!"
"Keep still."
"Ooh, Ouch."
"Stop wriggling."
"Ooh ouch ooh ouch, ouch ooh."
"Ferdinand! I haven't started yet."
"OW OUCOOOOOOOch! ooooooh!"
"Now I have."
"Think of something else."
"I can't, oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!"
"See! Typical boy."
"Grrrrrrrrrrr irl!"

Ferdinand: the battle of the sexes

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Ferdinand's fleeting reverie

This is a problem page about ginger cats -oxymoron! This human being has the audacity to complain about the ginger cat who lives with him...!

My big fat ginger cat, just doesnt like me. He uses me ONLY when he wants to be fed.
Everytime i move close to him or he sees me coming he runs the other way. seriously!
Ok i DO bug him. most times i pick him up and squash him a bit coz he is like a big fat teddy bear...
What can i do to make him like me again?
Stop annoying him? or totally ignore him for a while? : rolleyes:

Unbelievable! but the “answer.” Answer! Anyway here it is...

I would try feeding him special treats and just petting him (if he lets you) while he eats them.

Ok not that bit.

Don't pick him up at all for a while, and only pet him when he lets you.

Or that!

Let him run away if he wants to, don't force him into anything.

Ok that’s good advice. But wait it's coming...

It may take a while, but he will eventually learn that he doesn't have to worry about you grabbing him, and will associate your petting him with treats.

Sort of all right -a little bit of bribery doesn't go amiss every now and again.

He may then become more friendly.

But finally here it is: The unconsidered opinion...

That being said, ginger and orange-coloured cats often have "issues". I've known many cats in my life, and the ginger coloured ones were always a bit strange behaviour-wise. Kind of similar to what occurs with white cats, who are also a little odd. So your kitty may simply have that ginger / white personality...

Odd! Strange!? I have the solution: move out, let this ginger cat share his house with a human being who appreciates our very fine gingery qualities. Like this human being from Australia. The perfect companion...

Sydney - An Australian bank has admitted issuing a credit card to a cat. Messiah, a ginger tom, was given a credit limit of AU$4 200

Wow his own credit card...

The envelope containing her cat's credit card was addressed to Messiah Campbell and she was not even notified that a secondary card had been issued on her account...

Just think of all the stuff he could buy: all the parties he could host. All the cream he could lap, all the prawns he could eat, all the chicken legs he could chomp...

The incident may have given the bank pause for thought, but any hopes Messiah may have had of making some large purchases of fish and cream were dashed when the card was cancelled.

Ooooooooooooouchh. And I was just about to emigrate.

Ferdinand's fleeting reverie

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Do you feel lucky Ferdinand ginger cat?

Food, glorious food!
What wouldn't we give for
That extra bit more -

Lil watched Oliver over Christmas!

That's all that we live for.
Why should we be fated to
Do nothing but brood
On food,

Oliver the musical...!

Magical food,
Wonderful food,
Marvellous food,
Fabulous food,
Beautiful food,
Glorious food!

Ever since watching this musical she has taken to sitting by her food bowl and begging for more, a.k.a Oliver Twist - blasting out the full rendition of...

Food, glorious food!

Not long now...

We're anxious to try it.
Three banquets a day --
Our favourite diet!
Just picture a great big steak --
Fried, roasted or stewed.

Just the last verse to go...

Oh, food,
Wonderful food,
Marvellous food,
Glorious foooooooooooood.

Now with a bit of luck Susan will have put some grub in her bowl or...

Is it worth the waiting for?
If we live 'til eighty-four

...she'll start from the beginning again!

Not my lucky day! Do you feel lucky punk? Do you feel lucky Ferdinand ginger cat? A magnum .44 shoved up my hooter! I need my luck to change. This has not been a very good start to the year. You make your own luck, apparently and according to beings that have oodles of presents, bowls stuffed with food, a new collar and a brand new box. Which is not me. I need a lucky rabbit's foot and I know who's got four...

Ferdinand: Supreme hunter in hot pursuit of luck.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Ferdinand's New Year resolution!

"Say happy New Year to everyone from me, Ferdinand."
"You haven't wished anybody a happy and prosperous New Year yet? Honestly!
"And Lilly would like to say happy New Year to everyone too. "
Sometimes Ferdinand you can be so..., so grumpy!
"Are you foul 'cos you didn't have a fowl Christmas day?"
"Or is it because you is ginger?"
"It's the Mickey taking the mickey!?"
"It's 'cos Fifi has escaped from the jar! "
"I know what it is; it's because you had a thermometer shoved up your bum. Well you do wear your tail very high, makes it a sitting target- not that you did much sitting for a couple of days."
"Or it's because Richard Madeley is writing an autobiography about masculine relationships and he didn’t mention a thing about you."
"Probably all of the above, you Ferdinand are just plain cantankerous!"
H. Ha. Harumph!

Ferdinand's New Year resolution: Keep the conservatory door locked!

P.S Happy New Year