Friday, July 20, 2007

But hey ho!

But hey ho!

There is no power earth that would change or challenge choice.

Susan says if that is what Martin wants then that is what he wants!

I will not counter it.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Ferdinand's wet dream.

Hello. What’s this? Three pork chops are dancing a chorus line against a full moon sky. The more they dance the more they sweat. Perspiration drips sizzling aromatic drops to the ground.
Fifi appears juggling and dancing. She sprouts angel wings flies up, and joins the troop of performing pork.

I’m ravenous. My mother’s nipple is swollen and raw.
“Teeth Ferdinand, stop biting!” She grips me by the scruff her tongue warm and wet on the back of my neck.

Huge bare hands are tugging my tail. My mother is shouting, my brother is crying.

I’m yanked out and away.

“Ah e’s so sweet!”
“Savva a look, bloomin’ carrot with legs.”

“My mother is calling me.”
“Mum.” I cry.

I can hear my mother but her calls are fainter now.
I’m annoyed and scared why doesn’t she come? Why doesn’t she carry me home held gently and firmly in her secure mouth?
She’s doesn’t answer me.
Why won’t she answer me?

“Ouch that hurt that’s my ear you’re pulling. MUUUUUM.”

“You can’t take ‘im home.”
“I can.”
“Well if you do dad’ll drown ‘im.”
“E’ll drown him in a bucket.”
“I’ll ‘ide ‘im.”

“With the racket ‘e makes?”

“Look leave him in there; that telephone box. “
“Ferdinand wake up. Ferdinand stop crying it wasn’t that bad was it? ...just a little blue pipette. How you can tell when you’re asleep.... honestly! Here’s a little pork scrap might cheer you up a bit. Honestly anybody would think it was the end of the world!”

Ferdinand: free from fleas

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Ferdinand sleeping on the job.

Susan has plonked a carrier bag in the hall. Aha. Pork chops. Yuk green leaves. Carton of apple juice. Fermented grape juice. Bread. Hello what's this? Frontline spot on. Frontline seems familiar. What's it say? Kills fleas and ticks on contact. I remember. That stuff makes my skin crawl. Hours of itching and twitching.

I think I shall make a dignified retreat. Go missing for a couple of days. I wonder when she intends dropping that stuff on us? I'm thinking it would be quite nice to have the pork chops first. I'll sit in my box and watch as soon as she reaches for that box I'll high tail it. Hope she cooks the chops first before the wielding of the blue pipette. I'm not thinking just of myself naturally, but what will happen to Fifi my one remaining flea (the others ran away -ungrateful wretches) just one touch from me after being dosed would kill her. She can juggle whilst walking the tightrope, amazing. Just so talented.

Preparations have to be made for my absence. Lock the computer and change the password. Let the world of tomcats know that this box is not vacant. I'll give a quick squirt on the mock orange. Back up, set in motion the tail vibration . Ok move on up the garden path. That's the washing pole done, the end of the garden path rock, and just one final spurt the lilac tree. That's better. Eau de naturelle tomcat courtesy of Ferdinand. I should bottle it - Ferdinand fragrances.

Ok I'm in my box the kitchen is empty. Still empty. I can see Lil on the back of the sofa. She's asleep. Kitchen still empty. Yawn. Empty. Empty. Ahyaaaaaawwn. Empty. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. It's quite warm. Yaaaaaaaaaawnnn. I'll just close my eyes for a moment. ZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Ferdinand: Ever alert to danger.

Friday, July 06, 2007

The frogsite saga, episode 3. I shot the frog!

"Where there?"
"There, that triangular shape by the rock."
"The frog with a big arrow on his head."
"You've shot the frog with an arrow?!"
"No I ..."
"SUSAN, SUSAN, Ferdinand has killed the frog. Suuuuuuuuuusan."

Ferdinand: I shot the frog!

Thursday, July 05, 2007

The frogsite saga.

Ok, so that wasn’t the real frog. That was a plastic frog. I couldn’t get a picture of the frog in the birdbath, I click he ducks, I snap he dives. Until now...

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Ferdinand wild life photographer!

"You can't do that Ferdinand."
"Did you say something oh striped one?"
"Yes Ferdinand, I did. I said you can't do that."

"I'm just about to publish my article so if you don't mind."
"Well yes Ferdinand I do, 'cos it's not an honest account."
"Are you calling me dishonest?"
"Well Ferdinand if you're lying then you're a liar!"
"I don't lie."
"Don't you publish that then. We'll lose all our credibility Don't push that butto..."

I'm trying to capture a photo of that frog. But every time I get near he ducks! I've got a trillion snaps of green water.

This calls for a plan.

I tie some leaves to my head Crawling stealthily, approaching my quarry, nearer and nearer. I can see him. I just need one good shot. I pause. I listen.

Patience and stealth the art of the hunter. Not far to go. He moves. Am I down wind? Or is it up wind? Well whatever wind it is I hope it's blowing the right way. I stay still. Not breathing.

My heart beating faster in my chest.
Nearly there.
My finger is poised over the trigger. I inch forward. Ready. And Steady.
I have him in my sights. He's so close I could touch him.

Got him.

Ferdinand: Wildlife photographer.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Ferdinand is the Cheshire cat that got the cream.

Ferdinand is the Cheshire cat that got the cream. Boris Johnson has sent him an email. I don't know what it says! Yet!

Why he wrote to Ferdinand and not me, after all I am the editor. I'm not jealous, it's not me that has green eyes. It's just not fair. I'm going to have a brass plaque made with Dolly, EDITOR engraved into it that should remind him of my role in his success.

He keeps reading that email and then chuckles. All we can hear, well all I can hear bearing in mind Lil is as deaf as the proverbial is: giggle, giggle, chuckle, chuckle. It's just too irritating!

Nothing can be that funny, unless of course he's looking in the mirror!


Sunday, July 01, 2007

A frogs eye view of the world.

There's a frog living in in the bird bath. I have tried to take a picture of him but every time I get close he dives and doesn't reappear until I've gone. I can see him if I stand on the kitchen window sill. Susan put a stone in the bowl, decided this would help him out.
I said to her "he's got legs he'll jump out," but she totally ignored me and put the rock in there anyway!
She then turned to me and said "Ferdinand you are not going to eat that frog no matter how many times you ask."
Honestly! sometimes you'd think I'm speaking Swahili.

I'm wondering what the world looks like from his perspective. Big Li's lapping tongue larger than his head.
Anyway this morning he was croaking. There are two frogs in that bowl now!

Ferdinand: A frogs eye view of the world.