Diary of a ginger tom cat.

I always wanted to be The cat

2009-09-22T10:39:00.001+01:00

Zippy Speedy and Sadie. Spunky and Miguel. Thank old chums, I shall miss you too but I will be fine.

I always wanted to be The cat, but there is a Hindu proverb that says: beware of what you wish for you may get it...

I feel better after that...

2009-09-17T09:52:00.003+01:00

I've realised I'm not a writer. And I don't want to transpose diaries.

Susan didn't see me curled asleep amongst the autumn leaves, the gingery bits of my technicoloured coat in mimicry; a camouflaged cat!

So this is the end of the ginger diaries, 'tis just me, THE cat and this cat has not enough of the orange hue to inflame the authors words.

I'm trying to be a pet, I've always been cat. I try sitting on the sofa, I try sitting on Susan's lap... But I'm not comfortable and Susan says I should just be me - more than enough! and that makes me purr.

I still cry for Lil though. Stupid of me. I go into the front room where I can be alone and howl, I feel better after that...

So bye bye from me and if Lil were here she'd say, well she'd say WHAT? but she'd mean good bye. And from The Ferdinand, the ginger fur ball where ever he may be; cheerio, old chums, bye bye.

Ferdinand's diary. In no particular order...

2009-05-27T20:11:00.001+01:00

I'll just copy exerts from Ferdinand's diary/jottings. Change I, to him and me to Ferdinand. From first to third person.

I think he would like that.

Plus when it's all typed out he can edit it. If...

Anyway so I'll just jump in: Ferdinand's diary. In no particular order...

I have a cure for swine flu!

2009-05-05T11:46:00.003+01:00

Oinkment!

Susan bought me a pressie. It's a mouse in leopard suit! It's full (plus you can refill it) with my drug of choice -catnip!

I've tried to pull it's tail off - which is turquoise - who on earth thought up a mouse with spots and a blue tail! bitten it's ears. It's still in tact though as yet. I'll have another go at it later.

I was dragging it out the catflap and Susan caught me and brought it back in.

Human beings eh-what can you do? I'll show it to Lil later. She loves catnip. Lil loved catnip.

THE cat.

2009-05-02T08:13:00.001+01:00

Susan called me THE cat.

She normally calls me, No Dolly.

Or, DOLLY!

Sometimes, DOLLY don’t.

Or simply OI!

Not my fault she has tangles!

2009-04-28T09:16:00.003+01:00

I was combing Susan's hair last night. Arranging it over the pillow. My claws a comb. It's very soothing to have your hair combed. Just like me having my ears rubbed -I suppose!

Unfortunately there was a bit of a snag. My deft claw in velvet glove hit a tangle! I yanked her awake! Not a good start to the day but an early start -4.30am.

Not my fault she has tangles!

The reader's digest!

2009-04-26T10:32:00.010+01:00

Susan is reading White Tiger. Now I don't believe in false modesty; I am beautiful but I have to admit tigers are exquisite but a white tiger! Just too beautiful. Susan says I walk like a big cat -I flick my front paws- which is a very big compliment. I'm practicing keeping my head still as I walk like the big cats do.

Martin says Susan doesn't read books she devours them. I do that. I like paper. I like to sit the other side of the book when she's reading, my eyes just above the top edge. When Susan has her nose in a book her eyes move from side to side; she looks like she's watching a toy swinging to and fro on a string. I rub the paperyness. Chomp at the corners of the book. Nibble at the edges. It's fun this reading.

Oh yes books are very easy to digest.

Daniel doesn't do cards.

2009-04-24T22:25:00.003+01:00

I was looking in the basket today. The basket Lil was in when I last saw her. She's not there. She won't be back Susan says...

Martin's project wasn't so good, apparently. So he's a bit of a grump. He wants me to let him rub my ears... I'll think about it.

But he has been given a grill thingey. A very belated b'day pressie. It grills things. Think he's pleased, can't tell. He says it was from Daniel- his son the head hunter- which is better than a card I think. Daniel doesn't do cards.

I know I'm not Grey Friars Bobby. I am NOT a dog!

2009-04-23T10:48:00.007+01:00

Susan say's, "you have to eat!"

I'll eat when I feel like eating and at the moment I don't.

This video is intrusive... Sometimes I just want a moment alone at the henge. But see the little yellow blob by the henge, that's a yellow lily. They were a gift for Susan on her birthday. This lily flower is a gift to Lilly cat.

"Don't be Grey Friars Bobby!" Susan said rubbing my ears. I'm not Grey Friars Bobby. I am NOT a dog!

I am cat.

Most other times though I'm with Susan, she needs my company I reckon. So she's at the computer, I'm on the computer; shed, I'm there; studio, she has my company; kitchen, me too. In the bathroom, she's closed the door! but I can rattle the handle...

Some things are just meant to be.

2009-04-23T00:29:00.002+01:00

Ok, I've come to a decision.

Some things are just meant to be.

Ferdinand is gone and Susan says Lil can't come back (I'm not sure about this! I keep leading Susan to where the henge is -she doesn't understand that Lil is there...)

But if this newspaper is deleted so be it.

I don't like spam.

2009-04-23T00:10:00.005+01:00

I don't like spam. Pink flabby stuff. Sort of grub Lil would...

I got a message from google that this blog is to be closed because of spam. (Even though it's not pink.)

These are not good times...

'Hello,

Your blog at http://diaryofagingertomcat.blogspot.com/ has been identified as a potential spam blog. Your blog will be deleted in 20 days if it isn't reviewed, and your readers will see a warning page during this time.

After we receive your request, we'll review your blog and unlock it within two business days. Once we have reviewed and determined your blog is not spam, the blog will be unlocked and the message in your Blogger dashboard will no longer be displayed. If this blog doesn't belong to you, you don't have to do anything, and any other blogs you may have won't be affected.

We find spam by using an automated classifier. Automatic spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and occasionally a blog like yours is flagged incorrectly. We sincerely apologize for this error.

By using this kind of system, however, we can dedicate more storage, bandwidth, and engineering resources to bloggers like you instead of to spammers.'

In our garden we have a henge – A Lilly henge.

2009-04-21T11:10:00.004+01:00

I was looking beneath the chest of drawers; this is the place Lil sleeps while she’s convalescing. There’s an ancient Chinese bowl under there wrapped in bubble wrap -a perfect curled up asleep cat size bowl. It used to be my place but I gave it to Lil (on a temporary basis until she’s better and providing she doesn’t throw up.)

Susan said, “She’s not there Doll.”
Well I can see she’s not there...?

We live in Wiltshire; home of the henge -Stonehenge.
In our garden we too have a henge now – A Lilly henge. That’s what Susan said.

I poked her in the eye with my paw

2009-04-20T13:07:00.001+01:00

I woke Susan at 2.o'clock.

‘Lil’s not back yet.’

‘Shh Doll it’s ok.’

At 3am I poked her in the eye with my paw (just to let her know that it was not ok and I was going out...)

It was a lovely night. Clear and dry. Stars shimmered on ink blue sky. No breeze.

I hate to say this. And I always thought it would be great to be THE cat of the house. But...

She’s been out all night and she wouldn’t like that.

2009-04-19T09:30:00.002+01:00

Last night I reminded Susan that Lil was outside. She wouldn’t like that. I reminded her at 3.o clock. Then again at 3.30. Susan got herself a drink.

Good she’s up, 'now go get Lil.'

She didn’t.

She’s dosing off again. There is a glimmer of light in the sky must be about 4 am. I tap Susan on the forehead. She rubs my head.

‘Lil! Outside! Go!’ Susan told me to shh.

I purr in her ear. And snuggle. At 4.30 Susan puts the news on. I’m on her head.

I’ve been ignored for hours -every half hour throughout the night. At 7 am I go out. I can smell Lil. Susan scattered the contents of the litter tray earth on the plant borders. I can smell Lil. The paving stone are damp and it’s breezy. Lil doesn’t like the wind in her coat and she doesn’t do damp.

I know Lil. She’s been out all night and she wouldn’t like that.

This was Lil

2009-04-18T14:00:00.002+01:00

This was Lil. Lil two hours before she went to the vet. I'll remove this film later and just keep the pic the of her when she was looking at her best.

But just now I need to see the reason why she couldn't stay. And if I get all maudlin and want Lilly back then this is the Lilly that would be here, and this is the Lilly that was too sick to stay.

This is Lil

2009-04-18T08:25:00.005+01:00

This is a picture of Lil. A photo of Lil when she was Big Lil. An image of Lil when she could hear.

A picture of Lil when she was just a bit overweight and her belly would wobble (gently sway) when she ran.

This place where she laying is her favourite place, above the radiator atop the sofa with her eyes studying the kitchen for stray chicken legs.

Her second favourite place (before she preferred not to venture outside) was her stone bench by the forsythia bush, the stone warmed from the sun's rays and the light sparkling on her coat...

That’s a long time. A lifetime...

2009-04-17T22:52:00.001+01:00

Lil did come home.

But she is so very quiet, so very still...

She’s asleep in the basket wrapped in a white towel. Normally Lil snores. Lil isn’t making much noise. In fact I’ve never known her so quiet. And I’ve known her for a decade -a decade and a bit more.

That’s a long time. A lifetime...

The cat disappeared gradually until nothing was left but its grin

2009-04-17T11:18:00.008+01:00

The cat disappeared gradually until nothing was left but its grin. Lewis Carroll

Lil had her thyroid gland removed on February 5th we all had our digits crossed for her...

Lil lost her hearing a few years ago.

She developed an ulcer on her right eye two days after her operation. So she can’t see properly and she is deaf. And just when you thought Lil had 'disappeared gradually until nothing was left but her grin' she had a gum infection and they took out her teeth.

Yesterday her unsteadiness on her legs grew worse... Today, this morning Susan’s making coffee in the kitchen Lil followed her, dragging herself along with her front legs her back legs a useless twisted weight.

On Wednesday Susan had made an appointment with the vet. Now it's Friday 11.20 am -unlike Lewis Carroll's cat- she doesn’t believe Lil will reappear...
Lil’s appointment is at 2.20.

With a bit of Richard and Judy thrown in ...

2009-03-15T21:27:00.000Z

I'm wondering what and how this ginger journal should proceed? Ok. Ferdinand is not here. Do I continue in the same vein?

Rambling aside...

I could just copy write his diaries.

BUT, That makes me a secretary!

I'm thinking -The Guardian, Paxman, The Sunday Times...
Pepys.

With a bit of Richard and Judy thrown in ...

Oh yes!

My juices are flowing...

Standing and staring -AKA Wordsworth.

2009-03-13T21:04:00.004Z

That's it then!

Susan packed up his box. Swept the conservatory.

His bacon rind. Do I keep it? It's in the sweepings Susan has made.
No.

Lil -though being sentimental grabs the rind and walks off - probably to sprawl on the back of the sofa. Susan will find the rind at some point when she changes the throws and chuck it in the bin -a carrier bag hanging on the kitchen door handle.

Ferdinand the ginger fur ball is missing- presumed gone! Lillie the invalid is convalescing - but now needs dentistry -she has a loose tooth which rattles as she chews...

Me I'm watching... Standing and staring -AKA Wordsworth.

BUT I do have - have found everyone's diaries!

Missing the point.

2009-02-25T20:08:00.006Z

Lil, because she had an operation and is recuperating has been granted the right to pee in the house. (I kid you not!) Honestly!

Anyway. Susan lugs back a bag of cat litter- 12.5 kg. Dumps it in a tray marked 'Kitty'.

I of course ignore this contraption. Con-trap.

Lil is supposed to wear a plastic bucket on her head but Susan didn't tie it on that old turkey neck of Lil's. "Only if she really needs it." Susan said.
"She needs it. She needs it." Said I. Susan pretended not to hear me!

(Lil has had her hair shaved, the neck, the right leg and the left leg.)I had my camera waiting, poised ready, but no!

"Get that camera out of my face." croaked Lil.

Lil. Scratches at the kitty litter. Digs a nice little hole. Stands. Positions herself upon the tray..

(There is just one little part of her parts, not strategically placed...) and pees all over the floor.

Unbelievable! Ferdinand on the front page of N.M.E

2008-10-02T11:14:00.002+01:00

Unbelievable. Ferdinand on the front page of N.M.E

Ferdinand the mangy.

Where is he? Where's he been?

Sweden by the look of that link.

I'm not giving him the password for this newspaper. (I confess I changed it - yes I am the keeper of the ginger journals.)

So no Ferdinand you will not be able to write a thing (not that you wrote anything of interest anyway) until you get back in your box (which is being eyed by a very handsome black tom cat who we both prefer to you, oh mangy one!) So there.

Plus it gets very cold in Sweden in the winter and your orange overcoat is not what it was. Double plus Lil is going to have an operation at the end of the month not that you are interested!

Dolly editor, nurse and guardian of the password.

No I have not!

2008-07-24T10:39:00.001+01:00

Nope!

2008-06-01T21:00:00.002+01:00

"FERDINAND!”

"Streuth!"

Can’t a being get some peace? A piece of peace?

“Ferdinand, I’ve a bone to pick with you!”

"Turkey, chicken perhaps?"

I have closed my emerald eyes. 'Tis Sunday. The sun is shining warming me, my box and I.

Brian started it.

The great mower race.
Brummm brumm bloody broom.

Just got my shut eye, then...
All Sunday. Most of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Enough already. I need to sleep. Brian is the winner his lawn is cut. It has pin stripes . It could work in the city, wear a bowler hat.

No one can compete.
Apart from: His neighbour. And just as I was beginning to nod off again . His neighbour once removed. And so it went on. And on. And on... The neighbour next to the neighbour next to, etc etc

I haven't slept.

Mow mow.

I am retiring to my t chest creation by the canal bank.

Peaceful here.

Just the sound of the water lapping against...

What the...
Bloomin barge!

I'ts 5' O bloomin' clock in the morning...

Phut phut phut.

Oh go phut yourself...!

Dolly : Ferdinand is really in a bad mood!

His stupid ginger head

2008-06-01T20:48:00.007+01:00

Ferdinand has returned. I don’t want to know where he has been... I can see his stupid ginger head beneath where I am sitting.
But he doesn’t know that I know that he has returned!

I’m in my box. It’s a nice sunny day. Dolly is sitting on my roof. My glass roof! Right above my head...
It’s very distracting! all those stripes! Don’t line up...

He’s typing. I’ll just sit here. I’m in his view, so he knows I’m not bothered.... Knows I don’t give a toss! I have no interest in where he has been... Although he has been gone a month...

"DOLLY! DOOLLLEEEEEEEE. DOLLEEEEEEE... It’s Ferd, He is back. ..."

"Lilly ! Shhhhhh!"

"What?"

"Shhhhh."

"Shh? But!"

"Shh"!

"Shh! But... It’s Ferd!"

"Shush."
"He has..."
"Shhh."

"Returned home! Safe and sound.. Where has he been? It’s weeks. What he say ...?"

"Lil. Be cool!"

"Be what?"

"Cool!"

"Cool?"

"I am cool. The radiator’s not on and it’s none too warm. In fact I have goose bumps..."

"Lil?"

"Yes Doll?!"

"Never mind..."

I’d rather not live in a tea chest.

2008-04-24T23:02:00.004+01:00

"Ferdinand?"
"Yes Lil."
"Ferd!"
"Yes Lil"

"Don’t mean to appear ungrateful or any thing! But. I’d rather not live in a tea chest. I know you’ve been to a lot of trouble but I’d rather lay on a radiator. This radiator if you don’t mind..."

"But Lil..."

"I know Ferd you’ve been so generous but! I’m not sure I could cope with the damp. I have a bit of Arthur Iitus. Made him walk with a limp too and he was famous."
"Who?"
"Arthur! I tis shocking the dull ache you get in your bones."
"Irish?"
"Did you know him?"
"No."

"Came from Blarney..."
"Lil."
"You may not a have a choice! You may have to!..."

The witch makes smells!

2008-04-24T21:07:00.009+01:00

I have been looking through the archives.

Family documents!

Surprising what turns up...

Or not, as the case may be..!

But this old movie, from the silent era, directed by my great, great, great, X great uncle.

Oh yes.

We. The Felidae's are a famous old theatrical family.

Right back to Shakespeare and beyond...

May I introduce to you? The silent and old and the very creepy...

The witch makes bad smells!

Ferdinand: A cat in control in an out of control world!

2008-04-14T12:50:00.003+01:00

We -Bill and me. Have enough money (from the work we did for the experimental lab) to buy and furnish two tea chests, plus purchase the feline rights of land grab to position said chests.

I have been listening to the news. A recession or depression, or maybe just a big hole is arriving. I know from experience -plus reading the papers and my history books- when such a hole appears we pets tend to get thrown overboard or out.

So contingency plans have been drawn up. I haven't told the girls yet, (no need to worry them unnecessarily.)

We -Bill and me are in control.

So two tea chests upturned under a laurel tree, by the canal, lined with cushions and duvets are already in position. That's the housing taken care of...

I now need to work out how we are going to feed ourselves...

Ferdinand: A cat in control in an out of control world!

I am Ferdinand cat compass.

2008-04-12T16:52:00.002+01:00

Spats the cat turned up late for dinner. Three years late!

Oh yes the homing instinct of we felines is astounding; we have magnets in our heads!

Ferdinand cat compass.

This is definitely Dolly.

2008-04-09T15:35:00.001+01:00

Aha found the link
This is definitely Dolly.

Things that have to be done before we close our eyes!

2008-04-06T21:17:00.005+01:00

Just before I turn in:

1/Tuck Lil in.
2/Make Doll a Libby's.

(Phew the things that have to be done before we close our eyes!)

Anyway. Quite forgotten where I was...

Aha!

Remembered.
I have renewed the Ferdi Review.

Oh yes.

Now if I could only find the link.

It is late...

I've been up up all day...

Where is it?

Exhausted myself!

Laying on a radiator isn't easy. Not when you're stressed.

No!

No good - can't find the link

- I'll have to publish this later.

Dolly, tell Ferdi

2008-04-05T16:27:00.005+01:00

"Dolly, tell Ferdi. Injuns!"
"Injuns?"

"Yes Doll. A Mohican came through here just now."
"That was Ferdinand with the Mohican."
"Ferdi has an injun friend?"

"Not injuns. Native Americans."
"That why Billy is bald? Scalped by inju... Native Americans?"

"No! That was Ferdinand."
"Ferdinand scalped Bill?"

"FERDINAND."

"Did you bellow oh striped one?"

"Hi LIl"
"How."
"How what Lil?"
"How."

"How d‘ya do Lil?"

"Very well. I’m deaf, with failing eyesight, on tablets twice a day, and lost a lot of weight, apart from that I’m very good."

Dolly: Oh never mind!

Mewsings of the poet kitty cat

2008-04-04T12:15:00.003+01:00

Martin chucked me out of the chair, called it his!

But this undaunted ginger cat -with the very groovy hair style- was amused. And inspired by my muse I wrote...

It’s not his chair
‘cos I am here
And he is over there

If he were here
And I were there
Then it would be his chair!

Get out my chair
You mangy cat
Now I am over there

If he were here
And I were there
It would not be his chair

Ferdinand: Mewsings of the poet kitty cat.
Or I'm a poet and I know it!

Tee Hee, amusing mewsings!

The mad clipper murderer!

2008-04-02T21:46:00.010+01:00

Dolly is wielding clippers. She is hunting my barnet! The mad clipper murderer!
Fortunately the Bzz Bzz sound warns of her approach...

Billy quite liked his new hairdo until it rained. The water trickled down the back of his neck and got right under his fur coat.

Bzz Bzz

Did I hear something?

So we found a bathing cap which was fantastic. It was bright yellow with goldfish impressed all over it.

Bzz Bzz

Which kept his head dry. Only thing was he couldn't hear a thing. So we cut holes in it for his ears to stick out but they allowed the wet in and the droplets trickled under his fur coat...!

Bzz Bzz

I'm sure that's buzzing!

Shuzzz shuzzzz.
"AAAAAArgh."

Shuzzz shuzzzz.
"AAAAAArgh."

"Oh NO.

A mirror.

I need a mirror!

Oh.

Oh well not bad.

Not bad at all.

Could be good."

Ferdinand punk.

Ferdinand Mohican Indian.

Oh yes well cool....

Ferdinand: hip or what?!

A ginger beehive

2008-03-31T21:33:00.008+01:00

"Dolly!"
"Yes Lil."
"Have you seen Ferdi?"
"Yes Lil, he just came through here..."
"Only there's another furry being trespassing! And I thought he'd need to know..."

"That Lil was Ferdinand."
"He had a bouffant...
"That was Ferdinand."
A ginger beehive..."
"LIL that was Ferdinand!"

"Really...

my eyes are getting worse!... I need glasses..."

Dolly: The lunatics have taken over the asylum!

Ferdinand's freaky follicles

2008-03-30T10:09:00.003+01:00

"How much did you get paid for that catastrophe on your head."
"Fifty quid. Well, twenty five quid. 'Cos I had to share it with Bill.Twenty five pounds for me and twe..."
"Yes Ferdinand I think I can work out that Bill got twenty five quid."
"Twenty pounds!"
"And why did Billy have less dosh, Freaky Follicles?"
"Because we had to pay a fiver to a Roland."
"And what was going on with the rodent? Bald?"
"No."
"Hirsute?"
"No. Nothing at all."
"Oh right. Good."

"Just a bit bigger..."
"Oh right...

How much bigger?"
"Well I don't know how much bigger 'cos I'm no good at working out percentage increases. Never haver been very good at sums. Arithmetic. Maths. More a humanities...
"Ferdinand! How big was the rat?"
"Um! Er... 'bout the size of a small...

...cow.

And wearing a lab coat..."

Billy the bald headed barge cat.

2008-03-28T12:09:00.010Z

"You should see Billy the barge cat!"
"I'm afraid to ask but, why?"
"He got paid for hair removal! Want to see a picture?"
"No."

"Which Doll? Which do you prefer? Me with my crowning glory or Billy with the pink patch?"
"Neither. And I think you should give Bill your barnet to cover that bald spot!"
"I can't it's growing out my head plus he would silly with a ginger toupee."
"All toupees are ginger!"
"Well mm true, very true..."

I got paid by the animal testing laboratory

2008-03-28T11:03:00.008Z

"Ferdinand! What is that on your head? "
"Ah you noticed?"
"Noticed. Noticed? Are you completely bonkers? How could that fluorescent orange wig be overlooked?"
"Wig. Wig. This oh striped one is not a wig. Here tug it. Go on tug it. A good hard yank. Ouch not that bloomin' hard!"
"What've you got that stuck on with? Superglue."
"No this is my very own hair."
"Oh yeah right. Anyway it looks stupid!"

Dolly has no finesse. No style.
This new hairdo. I got paid for this. Yes that's right I did not pay for this hair-do! I got Paid! Good eh?

At the animal testing laboratory...

Dolly: Sometimes it's not just Big Lil that gives me cause for concern.

Preserve democracy do away with elections!

2008-03-27T12:01:00.007Z

I should be a government minister. What you need to do is have ideas. I have ideas.

But my fundamental, most money savings idea is:

Do away with elections!
First it must be understood that only 8000 people in the south east of England determine the next government. So all the money that is spent traveling about in open top buses and yelling through loud hailers would be stopped at a stroke. Not to mention the pollution from all that exhaust, the trees felled for ballot papers and campaign leaflets -ok I said I wouldn’t mention it but then I am a politician...

Preserve democracy!
Democracy is my prime concern. So Parliament sends an email to all the 8000 of Tunbridge Wells asking them who they want to form the next government.

Saving the planet!
The carbon footprint is reduced, money is saved, and we beings in Britain get the government we would have had anyway without all that racket. Brilliant eh!

Oh yes a cat of my calibre, saving money, the planet, and democracy in one stroke of my paw. That is what I call an idea.

My next idea: The elections in the states are no good if you are a sexist, ageist, racist...

"Ferdinand?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAArhg!!"

What’s up with her?

Some beings have no catiquette!

2008-03-21T11:38:00.004Z

Blimey! Every bloomin' Easter that hat makes an appearance. As soon as he removes it from his carrot head I'm going to bury it in the compost heap!

Ferdinand is behaving oddly. So what's new you ask? Well more oddly than his usual peculiar self.
He has not appeared without said bonnet. And when I snuck up on him when he was sending out the ZZZZs from his box he hid his face underneath the blanket!

Something fishy is going on!

But I, Dolly super reporter will get to the bottom of the intrigue. Talking of bottoms when Susan is at the keyboard I jump up on the desk to keep her company and show her my very pretty derrière! But she twists me round! "Wrong end." she says, honestly she has no catiquette.

Ferdinand ginger cat in his easter bonnet

2008-03-20T14:51:00.004Z

Me in my Easter Hat.

Cool Eh?

Oh yes I am a cat of style and sophistication.

One cool cat!

Happy Easter

Jumped right out of my box!

2008-03-20T08:47:00.006Z

Dolly missed me while I was away! She was so excited to see me she woke me up in the very early hours of the morning...

Made me jump right out of my box shouting my name at the top of her vocal chords in pure joy and excitement at my return.

Bless her.

Is this the ugliest cat contest?

2008-03-19T13:05:00.001Z

The black birds have built a nest in the honeysuckle bush. This morning a puff of black feathers blew across the lawn. The female bird sat on her nest and called...

I confess it wasn’t me that did that deed.

But I know who did! We have an interloper. No sooner was my back turned than another tomcat is muscling in. And no uglier cat could be imagined. I shall get a photograph of him and start a blog: is this the ugliest cat contest? He is mustard coloured with white bits, grey bits and a black blob on his hooter that looks like a jigsaw puzzle piece. Lil chased him down the bottom of the garden (honestly her courting skills leave a lot to be desired, mind you she is only partially sighted probably imagines he’s a bit of hunk.)

Plus, the door was left open to my conservatory and blow me an old mangy tom (a complete stranger) strolls in and without a bye or leave tucks into my dinner and buggers off!

This place is turning into an animal hostel!

Ferdi has jumped out of his fur! Fallen out of his box!

2008-03-09T09:58:00.004Z

Ferdinand is back in his box!

He slunk in in the early hours.

But he has been back before! A couple of weeks ago...

But buggered off again when he noticed that the boiler was busted.
It would take a "couple of weeks before it could be fixed" the plumber said sucking the words in over his breath. And we just had to have the coldest snap of the winter -7 degrees c. Lasted for a whole seven days that perma frost.

Martin borrowed the brass for the boiler from his father.

I'm going to shout in his lug hole. Not Martin's lug hole. Ferdinand's lug hole.

ZZZ ZZZ ZZZ

Leaving us to freeze our paws off. Where's the solidarity?

ZZZ ZZZ ZZZ

He looks cosy. All snug as a bug...

ZZZ ZZZ

FERDINAND!

!!! Crash, bang, wollop.

Oh dear! Ferdi has jumped out of his fur! Fallen out of his box!

Shame!

Ferdinand: a night on the tiles

The cat and the crow - a love story for mother's day

2008-02-16T11:32:00.002Z

Dear Dolly and Lilly

Will be returning in a weeks time. Sorry about the fish! Had to have bait to bribe Billy the barge cat for a lift to Liverpool.

seee you soon wish you were here!

Lot of Love

Ferdinand

X

P.S Anyway found this and thought you'd both enjoy it.

The great Ebay strike: or who's got the soggy end of the bacon rind?

2008-02-07T10:13:00.000Z

There's a strike on Ebay on the 18th to 25th February.

Ferdinand would say something about that if he were here! He was going to put his half chewed bacon rind (which is still festering under his blanket)on the auction site.

Apparently they want to gag beings that sell - Ferdinand unable to voice his "off the wall" opinions, does have its up side, but, um, not sure he would list if he couldn't rant.

No I am sure. Ferdinand would not put his half chewed bacon rind on Ebay (the bacon rind with the blue blanket fluff stuck to the soggy end,) if he couldn't drone on about the being that bought it!

Ferdinand: And the Ebay strike 18-25th February

Don’t miss me too much.

2008-01-26T15:14:00.000Z

Nothing going on here... I’m bored. Lil’s asleep on the back of the sofa and Ferdinand’s away. Ferdinand has been away for weeks. I was going to put missing for weeks but I’m not missing that ginger fur ball...

The trouble with being highly intelligent is making the assumption that other beings are just as complex!

I have been trying to hack into this computer! (Ferdinand the cad changed the password!) Thinking laterally. Putting in different passwords and word combinations like carrot head. Exploiting the power of the thesaurus –Ferdinand ginger cat =mangy -having many worn spots. Today I solved the password hack -FERDINAND. Unbelievable! The stupid ginger twit.

On the desktop Ferdinand has written: Back in Feb. Off up north. Liverpool vs Havant and Waterlooville. Don’t miss me too much. Look after Lil.

Plonker.... he comes from Pompey not Havant -which is over the hill. (bit like Ferdinand himself) Look after Lil! Ok I’ve looked at Lil -back of sofa snoring. Don’t miss me -I don’t.

Dolly: Hacking made easy.

Hopefully he won't come back with a limp.

2008-01-08T04:37:00.000Z

Martin is filling the van. A hired van. He's stuffing the space with Santa's suits. He should be able to get his leg over in the back of the van...

Hopefully he won't come back with a limp.

Ferdinand: Look after yourself. And watch your back!

"Dolly, where are the fish?"

2008-01-06T20:13:00.000Z

"Dolly, where are the fish?"

There is no year of the cat!

2008-01-05T15:49:00.000Z

There is no year of the cat!

A long long time ago, the Lord Buddha summoned all the animals together to assign each of them a year. When the cat heard the news, he let his friend the rat know about it and the two animals decided to go together the next day. However, the next day the rat did not wake the cat who, being a cat and loving to nap, slept through the morning. Therefore, the cat did not make it to the assembly on time and did not get a year. This is why there is no year of the cat and this is why cats hate rats.

This is the official version!

But we felines know the truth. We were betrayed by those bald tailed stumpy legged Rolands who carried the flea pest which gave our bald beings the plague and it was we cats -ok and a few dogs- that were blamed, found guilty and put to death. Thereby; allowing the Roland population to grow unfettered and the black death to spread. Vermin.

"You're not over it yet then Ferd?"

"Treacherous yellow toothed...."

"Ferd?"
"Yes."
"Why do we have a portrait of Raymond Psycho rabbit on the journal?"
"A. Because a rabbit is in the Chinese year and illustrates the point.
And B. Because we don't have any pictures of a rat.
Plus C. It will emphasize the lack of fairness! Where is the justice in having two yellow bucked toothed beings representing the years? One would be bad enough..."

"That's all we want. Fairness."
"When do we want it?"
"Now."

Ferdinand: Seeking justice.

We cats shall have very full bellies

2008-01-03T12:35:00.000Z

We are going to prosper this year.
Oh yes.
It is the Chinese year of the rat.
Which means we cats shall have very full bellies.

Happy New year.

From we three

The cat's chorus

2007-12-19T13:35:00.001Z

"Oi. Cat's chorus!"

Oh yes. Carol singers. And in fine voice we are too. Lil is wearing a scarf round her middle -but you can't see it in this video-she's still a bit threadbare.

"Oi! You lot...!
...that caterwauling...
...put a sock in it..."

"I'm putting my sock on the fireplace!" says Doll.

See he called us the cat's chorus, that's because we are so professional, we could sing in any choir and not just the chorus either!

"Ferdinand?"

"Yes Doll!"

"Is that a bucket in his hand?"

"Yes Doll."

"And has that bucket got water in it ?"

"I believe so!"

"Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun."

Ferdinand: 'Tis the season of good will too.'

(Mind you Will's always been a scrooge. Bah humbug!)

Billy Connelly without the humour!

2007-12-17T17:45:00.000Z

Ha ha ha ha, he he he tee he. Ha ha tee he.

We are having new double yellow lines. The cold is stopping the yellow tar from setting and it's spreading up from the gutter position to the pavement like sulfurous snow. Sticky sulfurous snow. Sticky sulfurous snow that doesn't or didn't get noticed under a moonless sky.

Ha ha tee he.

Ferdinand is wearing yellow bootees. Yellow tarred wellies. Tarred and furred wellies. Banana boots aka Billy Connelly.

"It's not funny!"

Aka Billy Connelly -without the humour!

Lost his voice indeed!

2007-12-06T10:05:00.000Z

Ferdinand is not not writing. He has writers block. Lost his mews! -which isn't true

"Muse."
"Muse."
...see? interrupting, that proves it. Lost his voice indeed!

My cat my friend and mews.

The tom is a gentleman!

2007-11-29T14:05:00.000Z

Ah ha!
Proof -if proof were needed- that the male tom cat is in deed a gentleman.

'Manners maketh the male alley cat - they let females eat first.
They may be mangy, flea-bitten and aggressive but male alley cats still have perfect manners.
A study has found that when feral cats gather round a dustbin in search of food, the toms let the females and kittens go first...'

Unlike the journalist (mangy, flea-bitten and aggressive!) hmmph.

The computer's brain is missing...

2007-11-23T13:19:00.000Z

Susan has pulled the plug on the computer. Not only has she pulled the plug but she's pulling out wires and jacks from the back of the computer! All the lights are out. All the beeps and pings are silent.

Dolly is asleep on a roll of bubble wrap on the table. Susan (female human of the household.) has left the room!

Susan has returned. She has in her hand two screwdrivers and a paintbrush!
Dolly is snoring.
Susan puts the computer on the desk.
She is undoing the screws at the back of the computer...
Gosh!
We're going in to the brains of the box. The inner workings -all the cogs and wheels and the levers and the lights and the hammers and the clocks, of said clever box are about to be revealed.
Just one last screw...
Ok, here we go.
The metal side is being slid.
Ok just get a bit closer.
Ok Susan go for it.
And we're...
There...?
Where?
"Susan there is nothing in there, what've you done with the brain?"
"Ferdinand will you get your nose out of the computer."
"Where is it?"
"Ferd will you shut up and move your head out of the way."
I'll just take a closer look. I can't believe the brain can just go. There is nothing in here! Well there's a bit of flat plastic, a couple of plastic bits and some string...
Arrrrtrtisshooo...
And dust.
A lot of dust.
”Ferdinand will you get your big ginger head out of there. Look at all that dust. Dust and cat fur. Ginger cat fur!"

"Dolly.”
”DOLLY. You seen this?”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
”You woke me up to ask whether I've seen nothing?”

"The computer's brain is missing...."

Riddle of child benefit lost discs solved! News bulletin

2007-11-20T20:09:00.000Z

Computer discs holding the personal details of all families in the UK with a child under 16 have gone missing.

But let me Ferdinand ginger cat reassure all you bald beings; there is no malicious intent.
'Every family with a child under 16...' The clues are there.

It's just Santa joining the technology revolution...

Expect a, And have you been good? email very shortly. Ho ho ho.

Ferdinand ginger cat: detective

Don't rub my belly I'm ticklish!

2007-11-18T22:04:00.001Z

I know this is very disappointing but I am not visible in internet explorer. Weird eh! Ferdinand invisible cat.

But if you want to reveal me (microsofters)you can click the link above.

Hey! Watch my tail...
Careful...
Tail...
Tail...

I said no tail touching.

Be fair...
A belly rub...
A stroke of the ear...
But...
MY TAIL IS NOT FOR TOUCHING!

Ferdinand: Sensitive -in parts.

Diary of a hairless tom cat!

2007-11-05T09:47:00.000Z

Ermmm strange. Some being wanted to see me in the buff. No. It's November. I know some beings shave their hair off for charity and that is very generous of them... But I am Ferdinand ginger cat. Ferdinand bald cat doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Plus I'd have to open a new publication: Diary of a hairless tom cat! No.

I've added fish to the office decor. Very relaxing to watch, a fantastic colour and when they get bigger they'll make a very tasty snack...

It's Halloween. Trick? or Treat?

2007-10-31T17:20:00.000Z

Nearly halloween

2007-10-24T22:24:00.000+01:00

It's nearly Halloween.

Hmm!

Pulling the plug

2007-10-19T10:47:00.000+01:00

"Ferdinand. Ferdinand that video of Electra is gratuitous."

"Mmm."

"There is no story."

"Mmmm."

"Just Electra."

"Mmm."

"It's lowering the tone."

"Mmm."

"What you doing anyway?"

"Mmm."

"What are you doing? You've 'bin sitting there for hours not banging the keys."

"Mmm."

"Ferdinand! Ok that's it I'm pulling the plug."

"What? What d'you do that for? I was watching that. "

"Ferdinand you’re going to go blind!"

Ooh ooh oooooh!

2007-10-14T21:05:00.001+01:00

Electra.

Electra.

Electra is dancing under a full moon sky.

Oooooooooh. Oooooh, Ooooooooooooooooooooooh......

Oooh, oooh, oooh, ooh.

Oooh

Oh.

Oooh!

Ferdinand: Luvs Electra.
Dolly: Oh for goodness sake! Bloomin' racket.

Foot loose

2007-10-12T10:23:00.000+01:00

This is 'big' Lil. Foot loose and fancy free.

More gingery.

2007-10-11T10:02:00.000+01:00

Ok. lookng good. More gingery. And if it turns pink I shall know who, what and why. Dolly!

Could be worse could be pink!

2007-10-10T20:03:00.000+01:00

Um ok nearly sorted. Could be worse could be pink!

Umh strange things!

2007-10-10T17:04:00.000+01:00

Strange things are happening to this newspaper layout!

#f86ec2 is Dolly's favourite colour

2007-10-09T09:50:00.000+01:00

"Dolly you 'bin tinkering with my template?"
"Nope!"
"Why's that grey border border on the left got bigger then?
"Dunno."

Hmmph. This is odd. Blog looks all out shape.
I bet Dolly...

"Ferdinand it was not me who tiddled with the template."
"Well it was ok when I left it."
"I don't know htmelly."
"That's true."

"Weird though."
"Very strange. I don't know that #f86ec2 means my very favourite colour."
"No?!"

Dolly!

There's no fish paste in the fridge!

2007-10-02T16:59:00.001+01:00

Lil can have any tit bit she likes. Chicken. Lobster. Prawns. The world is her oyster for the next couple of months, not that she likes oysters. But Lil - bless her- has decided on fish paste sandwiches. Sardine and tomato!

Big Lil is getting bigger. But you can still feel her hip and shoulder bones. She still cries bloodstained tears which congeal on the end of her nose making her look permanently snotty. So no magic bullet those pills just improvement.

But the worse thing. Lil is no longer singing. There's no choir practice at three in the morning. No rendition of 'I am what I am.' No 'Bohemian Rhapsody' blasting out from the back of the sofa.

Anyway Susan has forgotten the fish paste. I know 'cos I looked in the carrier bag dumped in the hall. I also know that there's no fish paste in the fridge!

I also know the shops are about to shut. Plus I know Lil won't pill pop without the fish paste. Now if I'm very quick I should arrive at the 7-11 before it closes...
Ferdinand: and the bike ride

"Throw that being a life jacket..."

2007-09-28T15:26:00.000+01:00

"Tee hee."
"What you laughing about Ferdinand ginger cat?"
"Some beings criticized my journal!"
"Criticized our paper and you think it's funny!"
"Yep. This human being works and lives on a boat."
"Hilarious!"
"Yep said, should get more!"

"Um! Ha. Tee hee."

"Throw that being a life jacket..."

"Tee hee."

"Ha."
"Ha ha."

Anarchy

2007-09-26T14:44:00.000+01:00

“Ferdinand You know you had a fight with that black cat.”
“I did not have a fight. Fighting is something I do on very few occasions. One tomcat against another tomcat there are rules; rules of gentlemanly conduct. No I escorted him firmly off the premises. He knows where he stands.
Yes Ferdinand and it’s on the step of your conservatory!”

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Ferdinand: No comment.

While the cat's away!

2007-09-22T16:52:00.000+01:00

Well I turn my back for five minutes and what happens? Ok I haven't been out much. Haven't been on pea patrol.
But just look -the brazen black trespasser!
He has stuffed his face with my catnip and is out of his brains; sleeping it off on my patch! This is serious...

There will be no reading of rights. No excuses. I shall wear my new bandanna. Ok. This is high noon -well actually it's 4.50 pm... but anyway time to go...

Ferdinand: nailing his colours to the mast.

Lil is going bald.

2007-09-21T09:52:00.000+01:00

Lil is going bald. Another blood test this time on her leg. So that's her neck and her leg hairless. But she came home from the vet wearing a very natty style of bandage. The vet reckoned she would remove it herself with an hour. 24 hours later and it's still adorning her wrist.
Lil's promised when she's finished wearing it I can have it. It's long enough to wear round my head. A bandanna -a ginger bandanna with paw prints- just like the gangs. The ginger gang. The black paw boys. Oh yes I shall be well hard, man!
You lookin' at me? Know what I mean? Wicked in it? Slap the bitch up.

"Ferdinand?"
"Cripes. Yes oh striped one."
"Don't forget to write that Lil's gained weight."
"I'm doing that."
"And her heart rate has slowed?"
"Yes."
"What about the hemorrhaging in her eyes."
"Yes just about to write that: the bleeds are stopping and her sight may improve."

Ferdinand: gang leader!

The ten cat commandments on tablet taking.

2007-09-14T10:04:00.000+01:00

Big Lil. Well the not so big Lil. The skinny Lil. The vet has phoned, -he has confirmed his diagnosis- has Hyperthyroidism.
She has to take two tablets a day. And then hopefully if she manages to regain some strength and some body weight she will be able to have an operation.

When Lil is awake I shall advise her on the art of taking pills.

The ten cat commandments on tablet taking.

Never 'just' take a pill even though you know it will make you better.
Scream blue murder if an attempt is made to force a pill through clamped jaws, then shake, roll your eyes, hide for 12 hours (somewhere warm and cosy like the back of the wardrobe on Martin’s cashmere jumper.) and then don’t turn up for tea.
Make out that the human being is no longer your best friend; allow no cuddles and/or ear rubs.
The objective of the above is treats and the self-sacrifice will be worth it in the end. (No pain no gain.)
Treats. The pill is going to be ‘hidden’ in some wonderful tempting morsel. You have to act you don’t know this!
Don’t gobble the morsel straight away. Locate the tablet.
Hide tablet under tongue.
At the moment you’re told how good you’ve been (the timing is very important because the human being must be led to believe that it nearly worked and will want to try again) spit it out.
This therefore will be repeated and instead of just one tasty titbit there will be two.
And finally take tablet because you do want to get better.

You may be given another treat as a reward for good behaviour -or the said human is feeling rotten and or guilty and this helps them feel better.- A win win situation. You get treats, take the medication to improve your health and have assisted your human being to feel good about themselves. We cats are just too altruistic. But...

A word of caution: I advise only at aiming for a maximum of three treats with pill spitting after that the human being is likely to give up and the jaw clamping and force feeding will begin in earnest and the option of treats will be withdrawn!

Ferdinand: More than just an ism.

Ism in cats 589,000 entries.

2007-09-13T12:25:00.000+01:00

Lil’s asleep on the sofa...

A man she said, slit her throat and sexual assaulted her with a thermometer. Just wait I’ll get my paws on him, beast, pervert.

“Lilly has an ism.”
“An ism?”
“Oh no. Blimey.. Not an ism, An ism. Tell me it isn’t an ism."
“That’s what she said an ism."
"Lil’s got an ism, An ism. Oh no. An ism...."

"That man is going to phone Susan later to confirm his diagnosis...
Then we’ll know whether she definitely has an ism or not."
"Hope it’s not."
"What ?"
"Hope it’s not an ism."
"Me too."

"Ferd what is an ism?"
"Well it’s er um thingy, disease sort of thingy."
"Oh right , I see. "

"How do you spell ism?"
"I.S.M.
I’m going to google it. Just to make sure we’re talking about the same ism as that veterinary's ism."
"Good idea..."

Um! Ism in cats 589,000 entries.

Entry no: 589,000: Gosh
Entry no: 588,999: Oh no
Entry no: 588,998: Oh that’s not true.
Entry no: 588,997: Oh poor Lil
Entry no: 588,996: Oh my goodness
Entry no: 588,995: Er disgusting
Entry no: 588,994: Humph
Entry no: 588,993:......
Entry no: 588,996:......

Ferdinand: Googling an ism

Big Lil

2007-09-09T10:41:00.000+01:00

"While we wait I'm going to paste a picture of Lil on our newspaper."
"Good idea Doll. I'll let you know if I see anything."

"Found one yet."
"Loads just gotta' choose the right one. Well there's the back of the sofa shot, on the sofa picture, upside down on the sofa..."
"Sofa shot it is then."
"This one just after Christmas she did enjoy singing bohemian rhapsody."
"Does! Doll. Does enjoy singing..."

Lilly: is a good singer.

Auditioning for a role in this drama...

2007-09-08T13:50:00.000+01:00

Dolly was shouting. Her cries wakened me from the light nap I was taking on the conservatory roof.

The basket was gone and with the basket Lil, Susan too.

The door to the hall that led to the front of the house was closed and I met Dolly trying to force the handle; she wasn’t heavy or strong enough.

“Stand aside Doll”
I leapt at the handle. I misjudged, my own strength... the door swung open and crashed into the bookshelf scattering paperbacks and cd’s on impact. While I clung to the handle Dolly dived through the rapidly diminishing gap. I managed just to scramble though before the door slammed shut. Unfortunately my leg caught on a light flex...

We; Dolly, me and the table lamp –it’s wire twined round my rear end, clinging to me as if it urgently needed to throw light on the subject - bounded upstairs.

The office door was ajar just a gentle shove would open it. But it, as if auditioning for a role in this drama responded so violently to Doll’s nudge it bashed against a stack of files (stupid place to leave office work –always thought so.) invoices and receipts exploded upwards and then downwards; a ticker tape parade.

Dolly dived onto the office chair. The chair with the castors. I sprung to join her and we three skateboarders shot across the office floor until we came to an abrupt end at our intended destination the window.

Who cares the computers were in he way. Not us. No. We were on a mission.
A car was revving outside. The blind was down.

Dolly yanked the cord and the blind did 20 revolutions flapping angrily against the glass

We were in time to see the car with it’s precious cargo negotiate the curve in the road and vanish from our sight.

“Lil.”
“Lil.”
“She’s gone Ferd. Lil’s gone. Ferd. I hate Susan. ”

“Ferd?”

“Dolly. Doll we better...”

“What?”
“Doll we better...”
“Ferd what? What?”
“Doll I don’t know... “
“What?”

“Doll I’m going to wait here.”
“Not going to pretend you were somewhere else? And it was some being with stripes that made this mess”
“No. Doll you go down, I’ll let you know if I see anything.”
“Ferd?”

“Ferd!”
“Yes.”
“I... Would it be ok if I just sat here by your side?”

“Yes Doll, it will be ok.”

Ferd: waiting for a friend. And Dolly: waiting with Ferdinand for her fellow inmate of Bath cats and dogs home.

I wonder who’s comforting who in that embrace?

2007-08-18T11:57:00.000+01:00

I had my suit ready. My Elvis suit. It was a party to celebrate Elvis’ life. A party only for cool cats. I looked fantastic, practiced my jive and the swivel hips motion. But I didn’t go.

Lil went into the garden accompanied by me and then Dolly this afternoon and Lil’s back legs gave way. But Lil she just got up and toddled off as if this was the most normal thing in the world.

The cat basket has been taken down from the attic. It looms in the living room it’s wire cage door hanging open. There is a towel in the bottom of it and a cushion. Dolly has been trying to destroy it. Clawing at the woven wicker and biting the broken bits. I told her it wouldn’t do any good. There’s another basket in the loft. And if that was to be ruined too there’s always a cardboard cat box...

Friday evening. Coronation Street is being watched. Big Lil is snuggled into Susan’s side on the sofa. Dolly is in the garden with the catnip. I can see all this from my vantage point in the conservatory. Susan is crying and Dolly’s as high as a kite but chews on. I feel angry. I’m impotent. I can’t do anything to make this better...

Big Lil is losing weight, a bag of bones. Susan has noticed. I’ve been reading her diary. She’s frightened of taking Lil to the vet she scribbles -doesn’t want to know the answer. Doesn’t want the diagnosis and then the prognosis.

Big Lil leans closer to Susan and pats her arm with her paw. I wonder who’s comforting who in that embrace?

Ferdinand: I don’t cry.

Ferdinand: Lying to a good friend.

2007-08-12T09:36:00.001+01:00

“Hello Lil, how you bin?”
“Lil, how’ve you been?”
“Ferd? is that you Ferd?”
“Lil it is I. None other than the handsome ginger fur ball.”
“Ferd if that’s you would you come closer?”
“Oh yes! I knew you couldn’t resist my gingery essence forever. Quick cuddle on the back of the sofa? More than happy to oblige.”
“Lil have you been dieting?”
“The trouble I’ve had... Cat napped! Falsely arrested, imprisoned and convicted. My sentence capital. My crime: mangy ginger tomcat. I faced with valour the blue syringe. But fate played her hand and sinking my teeth into it I skidaddled out of that cell faster than a cheetah on steroids –bloomin’ blue shirted jobs worth. God it’s nice to be home.”

“Ferd it is you?”
“Lil why you whispering?”

“Lil why are you whispering?”
“Ferd. You know I went deaf?”
“Yes me old girl.”
“Ferd?”
“Yes Lil.”
“Ferd I’m losing my sight.”

“Ferd?”
“I’m here Lil.”
“Ferd I’m frightened. I know Susan loves me but she won’t want me blind and deaf!?”

“Ferd?”

“Lil no, you’ll be ok.”
“What?”
“Lil, ok we have a problem.”
“Ferd?”
“I’m here Lil, touch my paw. Let me think...”

“Ok so three out of five ain’t bad!”
“What?”
You have five senses. You can feel, smell and you can taste.
So we...”
“Yes Ferd?”
“Just let me think....”

“Ok you can still hear a bit?”
“I said you can still hear some things?”
“Yes Ferd.”
“Right here’s what we do.”
“If you need to go out, sing.”
“Sing what?”
“I don’t know, sing anything.”
“How’s it go?”
“Ok sing raindrops, RE: FALLING ON MY HEAD.”
“Not anything? Well that’s good really ‘cos I don’t know the words.”
“Ok, that’s the hygiene taken care of. If you want to eat...”

“Ok what I’ll do is wave food under your nose then you can follow me to the kitchen.”
“How?”
“I’ll put the tip of my tail near your nose and you follow it when I wave it to the left it means you have to jump down, to the right jump up.”
“Ferd, if Susan find’s out she’ll kill me.”
“She’s not going to find out.”
“Ferd you’re not always here.”
“Dolly will help.”
“Dolly!”
“Dolly is under that snobby stripey exterior a sensitive caring individual."
"Lil?”
“Yes Ferd?”
“Trust me.”
“I do. Ferd.”
“We’ll get this sorted. You have my word.”

Ferdinand: Lying to a good friend.

But hey ho!

2007-07-20T20:50:00.000+01:00

But hey ho!

There is no power earth that would change or challenge choice.

Susan says if that is what Martin wants then that is what he wants!

I will not counter it.

Ferdinand's wet dream.

2007-07-14T10:49:00.000+01:00

Hello. What’s this? Three pork chops are dancing a chorus line against a full moon sky. The more they dance the more they sweat. Perspiration drips sizzling aromatic drops to the ground.
Fifi appears juggling and dancing. She sprouts angel wings flies up, and joins the troop of performing pork.

I’m ravenous. My mother’s nipple is swollen and raw.
“Teeth Ferdinand, stop biting!” She grips me by the scruff her tongue warm and wet on the back of my neck.

Huge bare hands are tugging my tail. My mother is shouting, my brother is crying.

I’m yanked out and away.

“Ah e’s so sweet!”
“Savva a look, bloomin’ carrot with legs.”

“My mother is calling me.”
“Mum.” I cry.

I can hear my mother but her calls are fainter now.
“Mum.”
I’m annoyed and scared why doesn’t she come? Why doesn’t she carry me home held gently and firmly in her secure mouth?
She’s doesn’t answer me.
Why won’t she answer me?
“Muuuuuuuuuuuuuum.”

“Ouch that hurt that’s my ear you’re pulling. MUUUUUM.”

“You can’t take ‘im home.”
“I can.”
“Well if you do dad’ll drown ‘im.”
“What?”
“E’ll drown him in a bucket.”
“I’ll ‘ide ‘im.”

“MMMMUUUUUMM.”
“With the racket ‘e makes?”

“Look leave him in there; that telephone box. “
“MMMMUUUUUMM, MMMMUUUUUMM, MMMMUUUUUMM.”
“Ferdinand.”
“Ferdinand.”
“Ferdinand wake up. Ferdinand stop crying it wasn’t that bad was it? ...just a little blue pipette. How you can tell when you’re asleep.... honestly! Here’s a little pork scrap might cheer you up a bit. Honestly anybody would think it was the end of the world!”

Ferdinand: free from fleas

Ferdinand sleeping on the job.

2007-07-10T16:59:00.000+01:00

Susan has plonked a carrier bag in the hall. Aha. Pork chops. Yuk green leaves. Carton of apple juice. Fermented grape juice. Bread. Hello what's this? Frontline spot on. Frontline seems familiar. What's it say? Kills fleas and ticks on contact. I remember. That stuff makes my skin crawl. Hours of itching and twitching.

I think I shall make a dignified retreat. Go missing for a couple of days. I wonder when she intends dropping that stuff on us? I'm thinking it would be quite nice to have the pork chops first. I'll sit in my box and watch as soon as she reaches for that box I'll high tail it. Hope she cooks the chops first before the wielding of the blue pipette. I'm not thinking just of myself naturally, but what will happen to Fifi my one remaining flea (the others ran away -ungrateful wretches) just one touch from me after being dosed would kill her. She can juggle whilst walking the tightrope, amazing. Just so talented.

Preparations have to be made for my absence. Lock the computer and change the password. Let the world of tomcats know that this box is not vacant. I'll give a quick squirt on the mock orange. Back up, set in motion the tail vibration . Ok move on up the garden path. That's the washing pole done, the end of the garden path rock, and just one final spurt the lilac tree. That's better. Eau de naturelle tomcat courtesy of Ferdinand. I should bottle it - Ferdinand fragrances.

Ok I'm in my box the kitchen is empty. Still empty. I can see Lil on the back of the sofa. She's asleep. Kitchen still empty. Yawn. Empty. Empty. Ahyaaaaaawwn. Empty. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. It's quite warm. Yaaaaaaaaaawnnn. I'll just close my eyes for a moment. ZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Ferdinand: Ever alert to danger.

The frogsite saga, episode 3. I shot the frog!

2007-07-06T09:06:00.001+01:00

"Where?"
"There."
"Where there?"
"There, that triangular shape by the rock."
"Where?"
"The frog with a big arrow on his head."
"You've shot the frog with an arrow?!"
"No I ..."
"SUSAN, SUSAN, Ferdinand has killed the frog. Suuuuuuuuuusan."

Ferdinand: I shot the frog!

The frogsite saga.

2007-07-05T07:15:00.001+01:00

Ok, so that wasn’t the real frog. That was a plastic frog. I couldn’t get a picture of the frog in the birdbath, I click he ducks, I snap he dives. Until now...

Ferdinand wild life photographer!

2007-07-04T15:39:00.000+01:00

"You can't do that Ferdinand."
"Did you say something oh striped one?"
"Yes Ferdinand, I did. I said you can't do that."

"I'm just about to publish my article so if you don't mind."
"Well yes Ferdinand I do, 'cos it's not an honest account."
"Are you calling me dishonest?"
"Well Ferdinand if you're lying then you're a liar!"
"I don't lie."
"Don't you publish that then. We'll lose all our credibility Don't push that butto..."

I'm trying to capture a photo of that frog. But every time I get near he ducks! I've got a trillion snaps of green water.

This calls for a plan.
Camouflage.

I tie some leaves to my head Crawling stealthily, approaching my quarry, nearer and nearer. I can see him. I just need one good shot. I pause. I listen.
"Croak."
"Croak."

Patience and stealth the art of the hunter. Not far to go. He moves. Am I down wind? Or is it up wind? Well whatever wind it is I hope it's blowing the right way. I stay still. Not breathing.

My heart beating faster in my chest.
"Croak."
"Croak."
Nearly there.
"Croak."
My finger is poised over the trigger. I inch forward. Ready. And Steady.
"Croak."
"Croak."
I have him in my sights. He's so close I could touch him.
"Snap."

Got him.

Ferdinand: Wildlife photographer.

Ferdinand is the Cheshire cat that got the cream.

2007-07-02T16:39:00.000+01:00

Ferdinand is the Cheshire cat that got the cream. Boris Johnson has sent him an email. I don't know what it says! Yet!

Why he wrote to Ferdinand and not me, after all I am the editor. I'm not jealous, it's not me that has green eyes. It's just not fair. I'm going to have a brass plaque made with Dolly, EDITOR engraved into it that should remind him of my role in his success.

He keeps reading that email and then chuckles. All we can hear, well all I can hear bearing in mind Lil is as deaf as the proverbial is: giggle, giggle, chuckle, chuckle. It's just too irritating!

Nothing can be that funny, unless of course he's looking in the mirror!

Dolly: THE EDITOR

A frogs eye view of the world.

2007-07-01T13:36:00.000+01:00

There's a frog living in in the bird bath. I have tried to take a picture of him but every time I get close he dives and doesn't reappear until I've gone. I can see him if I stand on the kitchen window sill. Susan put a stone in the bowl, decided this would help him out.
I said to her "he's got legs he'll jump out," but she totally ignored me and put the rock in there anyway!
She then turned to me and said "Ferdinand you are not going to eat that frog no matter how many times you ask."
Honestly! sometimes you'd think I'm speaking Swahili.

I'm wondering what the world looks like from his perspective. Big Li's lapping tongue larger than his head.
Anyway this morning he was croaking. There are two frogs in that bowl now!

Ferdinand: A frogs eye view of the world.

Hands off my fur coat!

2007-06-26T15:47:00.000+01:00

I watched the news today.
“ I saw a film today."
Sometimes I think big Lil is not quite as deaf as she...
'Oh boy.'
Excuse me I'll just close the door.

"And though the news was rather sad.."
That's better. She's a good singer but...

Anyway.
Importing cat and dog fur has been banned in Europe! I didn't know it was ever legal!

In a cage stood a shed (a very nice shed, a very comfortable shed in any other circumstance). In the doorway of the shed stood a feline being. Solitary. Alone, apart from the many companions who shared his compound.

He was quite plump with ginger hair and white boots. They, his chums, his family, all ginger, were rather thin. All skin and bone -or rather all skin and hair. Stretched flat out, drying under the hot sun.

"A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look."

Ferdinand: Hands off my fur coat! And Lil's. And Doll's (not that any being would want it but she is rather attached to it).

Ferdinand annoying when he's here and irritating when he leaves!

2007-06-17T22:31:00.000+01:00

I.

"That’s a good sentence Doll."
"Ferdinand I’m busy. Taken me ages to get on this computer so if you don’t mind I’d like to continue with out you breathing over my shoulder."
"What you writing?"
"I’m continuing my article about the water throwing Mrs Bigginbottom."
"Oh right."

"Malcolm Jekyll plonks out the chords of let it be on Mrs Bigginbottom’s piano."

"I know him."
"Ferdinand! I know I’m going to regret this but how do you know him?"
"Butch."
"Butch? That bald, scabby, motley, moggy with no teeth."
"He happens to be 160 years old and he does have teeth, well tooth, fang, upper right canine.
I rest my case!"
"He would pop round and visit the Jekyll homestead and..."
"I’m busy. Too busy to listen to one of your long-winded anecdotes."
"She would chat to him..."
"Who?"
"Sharon."
"Sharon?"
"About her husband."
"Oh groan."
"Malcolm Jekyll."

"Oh."
"Oh well best be off, leave you to it."
"Ferdinand!"
"Ferdinand come back here. What about Mrs Jekyll?."

"Ferdinand."
"Ferdinand."

Ferdinand annoying when he's here and irritating when he leaves!

Psst, Pssssssssssst, Spunky! Pssssssst.

2007-06-12T22:00:00.000+01:00

Spunky. Psssssssssssssssssssssssssst.
Just a word.
If you were to sneak into a certain suitcase.
Hide your being under a set of bloomers.
Stowaway.
Need I say more?

There's a box here with your name on it.
Actually it's got my name on it but that's just minor detail. I haven't sorted out the electrics yet. But Spunk. You are more than welcome. (My home will be like Blackpool illuminations time I've read the book) -just got to find the book. ..

Ferdinand: Electrical engineer -or will be when I can find the diy book.

Ferdinand: Tracy Emin eat your heart out!

2007-06-10T16:29:00.000+01:00

Well it's finished. Complete. Pleased? Oh yes. This is a Ferdinand design. An exclusive.
Tracy Emin eat your heart out. This installation could be worth thousands of friskies in the months to come.

My creative juices flowed. And note the return of traditional material. Paint. The paintings though are a collaborative effort. The biggest paw marks are Lil's, the smallest Doll's and the most perfectly formed brush strokes are mine.

A little catnip before my catnap me thinks...

Ferdinand: Just too talented.

Ferdinand not thinking about yellow wallpaper.

2007-06-04T17:17:00.001+01:00

I have a new box! It must be the plainest box on the planet, a puritan of a box. This calls for a spot of decorating.

I shall of course. In pride of place have Richard Madeley’s photograph in the silver antique frame. (I'm not putting it on Ebay I've decided, it’s just too valuable!) But my bacon rind is a must go Ebay item. Anyway I digress.

I need some wallpaper. This box is a blank canvas, which is the one and only good thing about this boring bland beige box. Now I have a tartan blanket a pink blanket or blue blanket. Not the tartan 'cos then I think the walls will have to be plain. Pink no. The man from auntie doesn't like pink so... Blue it is. Decisions! I am just so incisive. Dolly dithers. Females eh!

Wallpaper. Complimentary or tonal?. Complimentary. I like yellow. Sunshine. Summer. Warmth. So now where will I find yellow wallpaper. I'll just let my mind drift...

Not concentrate and let my brain solve the problem without me attending to it. This what creative types do and I'm a creative who types so it shouldn't be a problem.

I'll just let my mind empty of all thoughts of yellow wallpaper.

Creative type anagram= carpet I've yet (to have) private etc, ye (will not sleep in my box Dolly) and not concern myself with the box and a certain colour.

How do you stop thinking of yellow wallpaper when that's what you're trying not to think about?

I know I'll write an article in my journal. I'll write about my new box. Nothing that's going to cause consternation or upset any being. It'll be so boring my mind will wander on to solving the great wallpaper challenge. Stop me thinking about wallpaper and the shade there of.

I have a new box! It must be the plainest box...

Ferdinand: a creative who types!

Big Lil thinking outside the box whilst her head's inside!

2007-06-01T16:41:00.000+01:00

Ferdinand has hunted a box of Kentucky fried chicken. He and Lil are partaking of the ill-gotten goods on the front room rug. Gross. I can hear them from here, lip smacking and it's not good!

"That's my bit. You have that bit. That's mine and that and that." That's big Lil.
"I captured it; I'd quite like to taste it. And I don't just want the herby coating.
Lil stop eating and get your paw off the box. That's the box you're eating there Lil." And that whine is Ferdinand.

"You'd think Dolly would appreciate this feast."
"What?"
"Dolly."
"Where?"
"Have you saved her any?"
"What."
"Saved Dolly any?"
"No. She can have the box."
"Good idea saves us cleaning up."
"What?"
"Saves us clearing up."
"Certainly does save on the washing up. A take away saves on washing up so it must be good for the environment. We, Ferd are saving the planet while we eat!"
"Interesting idea that Lil. You certainly know how to think outside the box."

"Burp."
"Oh excuse me."
"In some cultures that's considered polite."
"What?"
"It's considered polite to expel wind."
"Really?"
"Varrruhrrumpo."
"But not Lil, from that end!"

"Oh well that's me done, feasted and fattened. I'm going out for my constitutional. And a breathe of fresh air...

Ferdinand: With big Lil thinking outside the box whilst her head's inside!

Dolly: investigative reporter extraordinaire.

2007-05-17T16:42:00.000+01:00

Finally I get to use the keyboard. Ferdinand is out and about. Big Lil is asleep. So I can now publish my article on the water throwing Mrs Bigginbottom.
It goes like this...

We arrive and Electra is waiting. She really is incredibly beautiful, what she sees in Ferdinand -the bright orange fur ball- I've no idea.
Anyway...

"Dolly," she cooed "how very lovely to see you." and rubs me on both sides of the nose.
"Are you coming with us?"
"No I'm here in my journalistic capacity. Reporting the goings and comings of the Mrs Bigginbottom."
"Higginbottom! Higginbottom!" Ferdinand grumpily interrupts.
"No but she does have a very bigginbottom," Electra laughed, "How exciting can I help?"
"Oh no."
"What did you say Ferdinand?"
"He mumbles."
"Really I didn't know that."
"Ferdinand what did you say?"
"Nothing."
"See he does that, you know he's said something then he just says, nothing."
"I hadn't noticed before, but yes Dolly you're right. He does do that."
"There are lots more about him you don't know."
"Is there?"
"He..."
"Excuse me I..."
"Interrupts when you are talking."
"I do..."
"Never finishes a sentence."
"I'M..."
"Shouts."
"Humph."
"Grumbles."
"Electra shall we...?"
"Whines."

"I think we should help Dolly we weren't doing anything special and she may need us."
"Oh streuth."
"See mumbling again."
"Yes I see what you mean, funny how I hadn't noticed."

Mrs Bigginbottom is on the sofa. She is waiting for her lover. On her lap is a photograph.
"You’re just like my father!!!" she trills. -An ironic statement if ever there was one- And kisses the image before returning it to her leather folder. It's 6.15 in the evening, her kids are fed and watered and she picks up her mobile and asks:
"Where are you? Can you talk?!!!..."
To be continued...

Dolly: investigative reporter extraordinaire.

That's better

2007-05-13T10:38:00.000+01:00

Surprising what a little prick can do!

While the cat's away... Dolly decorates.

2007-05-11T12:24:00.000+01:00

Dolly interior designer!

2007-05-07T22:33:00.001+01:00

Ferdinand is away. So while he’s a way ...

...gives me a chance to decorate. Put my stamp on things.

Humph so the man from the beeb said, who?
Well humph to him!
This will give him something to remember. A paws for thought.

If only I could get rid of the ginger -clashes with this sumptuous pink.

Anyway That’s me decorating done.

DOLLY: Did the decorating. Dolly: Interior decorator.

Dolly: Interior designer.

And now for my article on the water throwing Mrs Bigginbottom...

Ferdinand and the man from auntie

2007-04-27T15:57:00.000+01:00

"Hello Ferd, what'd he think, the man from the beeb? What'd he say?
"He said it was the best blog he’s ever read..."
"Wow really?"
"What he say about me?"
"He loved the colour..."
"What'd he say about me Ferd?"
"Thought I was the most handsome ginger cat he'd ever met..."
"What'd he say about me Ferd?"
"Loved my style, my polka dot bow tie and my centre parting..."
"What'd he say about me Ferd?"
"Thought Lil's rendition of bohemian rhapsody was superb..."
"What'd he say about me Ferd?"
"...course he's an Oxford Graduate so we had a lot in common -a meeting of minds...!
"What'd he say about me Ferd?"
"And do you know what?"
"What Ferd? What?"
"He's even taken some of my advice -well passed some of criticisms on. Did you notice that rudimentary table on Sky News...?
"Yes Ferd."
"That was my advice."
"But you went to the beeb."
"Well the beeb is a huge corporation, changes take -like a liner changing course in an ocean- along time to implement. But I said I hated all that running about they do on the news, the very next day there's a little desk on the telly for the news human beings to plonk their scripts on. Can't be just coincidence..."
"Wow, influential we are or what?"
"Definitely influential..."
"What'd he say about me Ferd? What'd he say about me? Ferd?"
"Oh yes a cat of my caliber..."
"Ferd. What he say about me Ferd? What he say about me?"

"Who!"

"Don't slam the door..."

Craaaashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

"On the way out."

Ferdinand: There's just no pleasing some beings.

I've brushed me barnet, buckled me bowtie.

2007-04-23T13:09:00.000+01:00

I've brushed me barnet, buckled me bowtie and I've blagged a berth on a barge with Billy to Bradford. I'm interviewing the bloke from the beeb about me blog.

Brilliant!

Ferdinand: alliteratively speaking!

"Braggart."
"I'm..."
"Boastful."
"Not!"
"Am I invited?"
"No, oh striped one."
"Beast."

Ferdinand: The illiterate.

"Alliterate."

"I'm the editor and I've edited. Plus your centre parting looks stupid. And further plus you're not Robin Day."

"Bovine!"

The polar bears are marooned and there are no more fish in the sea!

2007-04-21T08:46:00.000+01:00

The icebergs are melting. Deserts are expanding and there are no more fish in the sea. Human beings are polluting the earth. And the biggest most handsome ginger cat (and (I’m big enough to admit it ) the noble tiger is going to do a dodo.

I think there are too many human beings on the planet. If one human being flew round the world a trillion times, left the telly on and always used tesco carrier bags ...

"Ferd."
"Streuth! What can I do for you oh striped one."
"I hope you're not writing anything controversial."
"Um!"
"Only you're banging the keys."
"I..."
"A sure sign you have a bee in you're bonnet"
"Well it did have a lot of flowers on."
"What?"
"My bonnet, me Easter bonnet with all the flowers on it!"

"Ferd. You've upset the Israelis alienated the Muslim beings, and changed every foreign speaker being's use of the English language, nobody Ferd, speaks or writes like you."
"I know I'm unique."
"It wasn't meant as a compliment."
"Well I was..."
"Anyway I'm the editor and we don't do controversy. A gossip column. A how to decorate your house..."

"I'm the proprietor and I write..."
"What are you writing ?"
"Nothing! Anyway there are three beings on this paper, Lil..."
"Lil?!"
"Yep. Lil the sleeping partner. We'll ask her opinion, she can have the casting vote."
"Lil's deaf."
"So!"

"LIL."
"LIL."

"What, what?"
"Lil do you believe my writing should be uncensored?"
"Yes Ferd."
"And do you further agree the only form of censorship is self censorship and I should be permitted to sometimes write about controversial subjects?"
"Yes to both Ferd."
"Ok Lil. Thank you Lil."
"There you go Doll, Lil has cast her vote and this as a democratic household...,
"Humph, still think fashion would gain more readership and be more interesting."

"Now were was I? The polar bears are marooned..."

Ferdinand: Environmentalist.